I think that I’m realizing something more clearly now than ever: I miss the feeling of home. I miss ownership of space. I would have thought this was weird more than a year ago, but after this season of life I am finding myself wanting to sit at my own table, clean my own kitchen, sit in my own chair, and sleep in my own bed. None of these things have been a reality for us. All of these things are more of an expression of familiarity, and this is what makes home feel like home. Living overseas adds even more strain to not feeling like much is familiar…and the issues kind of multiply themselves.

Familiarity is not a sentiment I would use to describe our lives. I think nomadic is a much better word. The only things are familiar to me now are the suitcases we have, clothes we wear (which are wearing out quickly), and the reality that the only thing constant has been our little tribe.

I’m at a place now, where I can’t even imagine what it would be like to live in the same place for more than a few months. It will be weird when we settle into a city. The thought of it kind of excites me to be honest. I never would have thought I would hear myself say, “I wish we could just get settled…” But alas. Here I am, wanting and praying that God will make a way for us to find familiarity in the sea of all that is unfamiliar.

Our journey over the past year or so has made me reflect about how spiritually speaking we’re never going to feel like home in this life. Our souls (should) be nomadic, wandering this earth, leaping at anything that resembles what our spiritual home will be. We should carry with us the excitement that one day we’ll get settled, but at the same realizing that God has us in a nomadic place, as hopefull sojourners, to give this hope away to other nomads who don’t have it.

So, pray for our family as we wait, seek, listen, and pursue. Pray that our souls won’t lose hope and that our bodies will quickly find some place familiar to rest.

The last few months have been a blur…since deciding to return to Europe and follow God’s call in our lives there we have had a lot on our minds. Easily, the most weighing issue on my mind has been our support. Over the past nine months we’ve lost, oh…just a bit…sarcasm. 

It’s amazing how much ground we’ve been able to gain over the past few months though. We’ve met some amazing people, had a lot of good connections with old friends, and have had to do a lot of explaining about what God has been doing in our lives, which we do with joy because we are excited about where we are heading…and our past is a part of the future. 

We’re coming up on 20 days from when we want to leave. Just typing that makes my stomach go upside down. Not because I’m apprehensive about another cross cultural move, but because there is much ground to gain and many miracles to be seen for this to happen. I am genuinely nervous with expectation. I don’t know another way to say it. I really don’t know how possible it will be for us to go back in 20 some days. I want to so badly, more so than the first time over, but this go ’round with finances has been a lot tougher. 

We were having dinner with some friends last night and Eric asked me, “How much of your time is spent thinking about your finances?” The answer…nearly all of it. His admonition to me was to trust. I agreed, I need to remember that God is ultimately in control. But what I’m bummed out about is the fact that I am not spending this crucial time spiritually preparing to go back. It’s frustrating to be spending some silent time praying and reading only to be constantly fighting the ‘to-do list’ that is scrolling in my brain. Even now, I know that I may have trouble falling asleep because of the things that need to happen in order for us to make our goal of going back for our Staff Conference. I’m sure that if we don’t make it then God has a perfectly legit reason for it! We’re at peace about it, but at the same time it will be hard to not be there. But isn’t ironic that we’re being sent out on a spiritual journey, but my mind is taken over with issues of money. I hate this sad irony. Is it me? Is it the reality of us getting back to Europe? I just wish it was different…maybe it can be. 

I guess I’m writing this mostly for myself. But also to give anyone who reads these words an idea of the struggle that it is for me to truly trust God with something so tangible. If we get to the end of July and are still in the US then we are going to be faced with more questions and I fear that we’ll spend most of our time trying to continue to raise funds instead of becoming more spiritually and emotionally prepared to go. Maybe we should go regardless of the money and see how God provides then? Maybe we will. 

I love cities…I think it’s because I love people and there is no shortage of people in cities. I love the energy in cities. I love the sounds. I love the bustle. I love the diversity. I love the density. Sure, this can all get old, but for the most part it gives me energy and makes me feel alive. 

In God’s great irony, we’ve been living in the country. You can check out Jen’s last post to hear more about mice and dead goats…yeah we live in the country. I do like it out here…but I don’t think I survive for very long without more people around. But here we are…in the county. Allergies going nuts: sneezing, itching, and nose running.

We’ve been in Portland for a week now and we haven’t been able to get towards the city until today. We’re operating with what I call our ‘wartime rations’ and we’re not about to drive the 20 miles to downtown at 4.25 a gallon…just not going to happen. We got bills to pay…and we’ll be moving into a city again soon enough! I’m trying to enjoy where I’m at…but I’ve never been too good at this. 

I’m cursed with always being a year ahead of now in my mind. This can be a really good thing sometime, but not always. I’m not always the best at being present. This doesn’t bug me too much until I realize how doing this hurts the present and the relationships that are happening now (usually it’s my loving wife that points this out too). For those of us that are a mile ahead, we need to realize that relationship is lived in the present and that it is relationships that are greatest gift we are given. People who knew me in Paris would laugh (i.e. scoff) that this is me saying this because I was guilty of not being present for a long season of our time there….for reasons that I’ve only now come to really get. 

I read a book a couple of years ago called Practicing the Presence of People by Mike Mason. It was a challenge to me. The premise was to slow down and really soak up the presence of another created being and not miss a chance to really see them, to really know them, to really enjoy their quirks, and to really look into their eyes. To realize that every person is a gift…a poem as Ephesians 2 says…crafted by God to bring Him pleasure. When we think this way it changes everything. But trying to do this in my relationships with people has influenced how I’m learning to be grateful for every ‘present’ that I’m in. I’m experiencing that every moment in my life is a gift designed to help me grow or to teach me to humbly receive grace that God has gifted me with. 

God willing, it won’t be long before we’re back living in Europe. We’ll be back to the city. Back to the streets. Back to the noise that became home. Back to foreign languages and foods. Back to metro rides. Back to brick and cement and concrete. Back to hordes of people crowding on the bus. Back to walking for transportation. Back to carrying our groceries home. Back to getting bread from the local shop. Back to small apartments and lots of stairs. Back to the sound of scooters screaming by. Back to the set that my life was meant to be played on.   

But for the next few weeks I am determined to soak up the beauty of the Oregon countryside…some of the most beautiful land on earth in my humble opinion. I am determined to enjoy my friends and family here as much as I can. To not get caught up in the worries that are around every tomorrow…but to slow down and take in where I am at. There is too much beauty, promise, and hope in this place to not enjoy being the suburban idealist for a time.