2008 March Archive at Urban Idealist

I am delirious as I write this right now, so we’ll see how this ends up.

Jen is my wife. She is also my best friend. And even on top of that she is an excellent mother to our little girl Maisie. I could literally talk about Jen for hours. I have lots of favorite things about her. I love her laugh. I love her honesty. I love watching her become who God has made her to be. I love that she is emotional and vibrant.

And speaking of emotional…the last few years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds…have been emotional for us. Just 4 years ago, we were well on our way to being happily ever after. We both had good jobs. We had a brand new house. Our house was decorated by an interior designer…a friend who did it for free, but it was still one of those houses that was too put together. We had a nice car. We were talking about starting to have kids. But then things changed. We sold the house. Quit the jobs. Moved to Europe and life took a different path. And life will never be the same again!

But back to the stuff about Jen…Since going to Europe Jen has really grown. It’s weird because being in Paris was not easy for us. Yet, we grew in some significant ways…especially her. Right before my eyes she’s learning more and more who she is. For one, there isn’t even a shadow of a co-dependent person who only does what everybody else says is right. To be honest, it was a lot easier when Jen would just ‘go with the flow’, but in the end I think that she was betraying herself by acting like that.

We’ve been married for six and a half years now. We’ve been a couple for almost 9 years. That’s almost a decade. The girl I married is now a strong woman who is ‘heaven-bent’ on being true to herself and who God has made her to be. And dog-on-it…it’s inspiring. A lot of times people don’t know what to do with Jen. Her freedom and willingness to not be status-quo is offsetting to some. Her unwillingness to toe the line frustrates people who want her to be in a box…that includes me sometimes.

Here is another one of my favorites…yes plural. She is incredibly wise and discerning. She has an ability to read people that I am amazed by. One of my greatest desires is to see Jen be more utilized ‘in ministry’. Whatever that means. The truth behind my own growth and maturing (pause to bask in my own light) is that Jen has been the single most influential person who has helped me grow up, make right choices, be less selfish, and love other people. She taught me about self-awareness before I had even heard of the word.

I guess the main reason that I am writing all of this is because Jen has been a funk the last few days. I so often talk about myself and what I am going through in an attempt to be therapeutic, but I also lead a family that I need to encourage and love. Writing all of this stuff about my wife on the world wide web is a simple way to shout to the world that I am madly in love with her and think the world of her. She is one the best people I know and I want to be like her when I grow up. I feel like anyone who misses the chance to hear from, be told what’s up by, and laugh with Jen has missed out. That’s all I want to say about Jen right now…You can check out her much-more-entertaining blog here.

Thoughts on the Writing of Henri Nouwen

One word spoken with a pure heart is worth thousands spoken in a state of spiritual turmoil. Time given to inner renewal is never wasted. God is not in a hurry. Henri Nouwen

I shared this quote in a recent letter to the many people who support and follow our ministry….but it’s worth putting here too. When I read this it immediately jumped out at me. I have always put such a premium on producing and getting things done. Like a typical American, I viewed time with no tangible results given as wasted time. Everything that I did had to be incredibly intentional, because the one thing that you can’t get back is time. And time is money. And there’s no time like the present. And time keeps on ticking. And time waits for no man. And so on and so on.

But have you ever wondered what it would be like to intentionally set aside time to accomplish nothing? To have no tangible results? To only allow yourself to be…To only allow yourself to be. To ONLY allow yourself to be. When we can’t cover up ourselves with producing we are left pretty exposed. This season of life for me has been exposing. It has exposed that I get really uncomfortable when I am not doing something that all can see as productive. Or at least doing something that makes me feel productive. It’s been really hard for me to just give this time to inner renewal. What does that even mean? Can’t we quantify that so that I can know that I am not wasting my time?

But honestly, this time of inner renewal is the most productive thing that I have ever done. My calendar is nearly empty. I only have one weekly appointment. I don’t rush from place to place networking and meeting with people. This may all change in a few weeks (part of me is really looking forward to a change…I can only sit with me for so long), but for now I am learning the immense value in waiting on God. The book of Psalms talks a lot about waiting on God and I’ve discovered that there is only one way to learn how to do that…wait. And when you think you’ve waited enough, God has more waiting to fill your time. And even after that God will allow us to wait some more. Because God does not have the same addiction to tasks and production as we do. He is not in a hurry to have us learn lessons quickly so we can check them off the list and move on to further internal development. (Wouldn’t it be nice though?) I would even argue that the best lessons we learn are the ones that take time…and then cycle through on a deeper level later in life. And then cycle through again when our hair is gone or gray. We Christians say the phrase, “In God’s timing…” a lot, but I would be much more comfortable with that if God were an overachieving, restless American like me!

Time is on our side…Well, time is on God’s side. And He is on ours. So for now, I get to fidget in my empty calendar and let God continue to expose me from the inside out. I hate it with a passion and would love to jump back into production mode to make myself (and maybe some others) happy! But I am convinced that this season is set aside by God to teach me something, something at a core identity level that I could not otherwise learn in a season where I am frantic. Pray that I learn to be still, wait, and trust.